As I sit here drinking my coffee on this cold winter morning, I find my self smiling! AND can't seem to stop smiling. Last night "Toby" and I had a long talk, deciding we are going to give this relationship thing a try. Both of us have been so hurt by past relationships in very similar ways, which is such bull shit, but we are going to move forward fresh and new.
It's amazing how when you (a woman) meet a "potential" suitor you imagine how and where they may fit into your life. Let's face it ladies, we all dream about what our lives can be like with that person; where you would travel to, where you would live, how certain scenes of your life would play out like in the movies. We use our brains which triggers our hearts. I came to realize last night that I could see him in my future - all of it - and had already begun making future plans with him. I obviously understand now that I planned on having him in my life all along because I truly enjoy spending time with him.
Something else happened this weekend that triggered all these rationalities. The 35 year old that unexpectedly walked back into my life was texting me while he was in Vegas at a bachelor party. At first I thought "Wow he's thinking of me while with his friends in Vegas - awesome!" NOT. I realized he's a an "of the moment" type of guy - yes I may fanticize about what life would be like with him and quite frankly I just came to the conclusion that I can't see it being good. He's a guy you have a "fling" with because there is that sexual chemistry you just can't ignore. But because of his age and selfishness I know it would never grow into some more meaningful. In my heart I know being in a relationship with "Toby" will grow into something so much more than I ever thought I would find. So, I've kicked the 35 year old to the curb - not that we had anything other than talking and texting going on - but it feels good to shed the bad and look forward to something bright.
Oh and because I'm sure you're wondering, yes there is a definite sexual chemistry going on between me and "Toby" - that was apparent last night! We are not going to rush it but let me tell you I can't wait for it!!! I know your most likely thinking "TMI ANN!!" but I have to just say it all hit me like a ton of bricks last night and I feel so much more content today. In recent months I've felt anxious, confused and quite frankly, down right discouraged with so called "Love." Not today.
I'll keep you posted on our journey down the relationship path. I know it won't always smell like roses but I'm heading down the yellow brick road in hope of finding the wonderful land of Oz.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
A Step In The Right Direction
After last night I truly believe happier times are definitely ahead for me. "Toby" has been battling the flu so I decided to take him some soup and Anderson's lemon ice. I also took his daughter some dinner because I knew she was just getting off work. "Toby" was so appreciative I thought of both him and his daughter. He was amazed and told me how the last woman he dated felt she was competing with his daughter. I couldn't believe it since the day before I had his daughter over for dinner and to watch Glee with Monica and me. We all had a great time and his daughter told me how she hasn't seen her father smile like this in a very long time. She also explained she really likes me and hopes it all works out between the two of us. I told her I adore her father and explained to her a few things on how I just need to take it slow. She completely understood. It was nice to spend time getting to know her as well and that made "Toby" so happy.
Well last night I made all of us dinner and after "Toby" and I watched the Sabres game. During the game we had a nice talk while snuggling on the couch. We talked a bit more about ourselves, painting a picture of our past experiences, and how we had both been burned. He completely understands my reasoning. He told me he knows I'm what he's been looking for and is willing to wait for me. That's when he put his hands around my face, stared into my eyes and said, "You're a fantastic person and as long as you are with me I will always, always, always want you to feel that way...because I will always treat you that way." Well that completely did me in - yes we had a serious make out session after that - our first to let you know! Which probably wasn't the smartest thing to do since he was just getting over the flu but hey I got the flu shot!
With my heart bounding I had to call it a night because I needed to do a quick review for the class I teach before turning in. As I drove home I found myself playing "pumping" tunes, smiling while replaying all of the evenings events. With each thought my heart began pounding more and increasingly became more happy! That's when it hit me - what the hell am I waiting for!!?? I got into this dating thing to get into a relationship right? AND here, one heck of a nice guy is staring me right in the face - ready for the taking - and I'm ready to run away. What the hell is wrong with me?! Am I afraid of getting hurt again? Yes - who isn't but I don't think he would do what all the others have in the past. Am I afraid of change? Yes - I got used to living alone, doing what I want when I want but when you think about it - yeah it sounds all nice and independent, but at the end of a really long day a dog isn't exactly what you want to snuggle up to. (Sorry Tucker I love ya but you snore - worse than a man! lol) Snuggling up to a man makes you feel so completely different especially because you can spew the venom from the day and get the hug you need to let it all go. That's something I haven't had in years, if really ever! It was something I could get used to and realized that's exactly what I want to get used to.
Who knew feelings for someone could just "hit you" but I guess that's what happens when you start to get to know a potential "boyfriend." Now I'm not saying that's what he is - we are working toward that though so I'll have to keep you posted on that. But I'm not opposed to him being my boyfriend which is a step in the right direction. I'm still being a bit reserved with my feelings, don't want to fall to fast or too far too soon but I really do think this is going in a good direction.
Well last night I made all of us dinner and after "Toby" and I watched the Sabres game. During the game we had a nice talk while snuggling on the couch. We talked a bit more about ourselves, painting a picture of our past experiences, and how we had both been burned. He completely understands my reasoning. He told me he knows I'm what he's been looking for and is willing to wait for me. That's when he put his hands around my face, stared into my eyes and said, "You're a fantastic person and as long as you are with me I will always, always, always want you to feel that way...because I will always treat you that way." Well that completely did me in - yes we had a serious make out session after that - our first to let you know! Which probably wasn't the smartest thing to do since he was just getting over the flu but hey I got the flu shot!
With my heart bounding I had to call it a night because I needed to do a quick review for the class I teach before turning in. As I drove home I found myself playing "pumping" tunes, smiling while replaying all of the evenings events. With each thought my heart began pounding more and increasingly became more happy! That's when it hit me - what the hell am I waiting for!!?? I got into this dating thing to get into a relationship right? AND here, one heck of a nice guy is staring me right in the face - ready for the taking - and I'm ready to run away. What the hell is wrong with me?! Am I afraid of getting hurt again? Yes - who isn't but I don't think he would do what all the others have in the past. Am I afraid of change? Yes - I got used to living alone, doing what I want when I want but when you think about it - yeah it sounds all nice and independent, but at the end of a really long day a dog isn't exactly what you want to snuggle up to. (Sorry Tucker I love ya but you snore - worse than a man! lol) Snuggling up to a man makes you feel so completely different especially because you can spew the venom from the day and get the hug you need to let it all go. That's something I haven't had in years, if really ever! It was something I could get used to and realized that's exactly what I want to get used to.
Who knew feelings for someone could just "hit you" but I guess that's what happens when you start to get to know a potential "boyfriend." Now I'm not saying that's what he is - we are working toward that though so I'll have to keep you posted on that. But I'm not opposed to him being my boyfriend which is a step in the right direction. I'm still being a bit reserved with my feelings, don't want to fall to fast or too far too soon but I really do think this is going in a good direction.
Monday, February 21, 2011
The "Love Gene"
This weekend I hosted a baby shower for my niece who is also my Godchild. I thought I would take this opportunity to talk to my fellow women about relationships, marraige and having a baby. Since I don't exactly know where I stand on any of it these days. We dubbed this weekend "EstroFest" and it was full of women type fun.
My niece who is prego with her first child talked to me about the pros and cons of having a baby at my age. She's a special education teacher and told me being pregnant isn't what it's all cracked up to be. That made me laugh. Anyway we talked about the risks of giving birth in your 40's for both mom and baby, as well as the change in lifestyle, especially if I were to do this alone. Not to mention the financial means to take care of a child the way they need to be taken care of. It's a lot to take on by yourself . I know a lot of women do it but they usually have a good support system. Who would I be able to lean on if I needed a babysitter? Yes I know all my fellow TT Riders would pitch in, not to mention Monica but both my brother and sister had the luxury of having my parents around to pitch in when needed. Let's face it, my job is demanding and I have to work some late nights. It's hard enough finding "daycare" or a "babysitter" for my dog! I've decided not to have a baby by myself at this time. I'm not saying I'm not going to have a baby at all but I'm going to put the artificial insemination plan on hold.
So that got us talking about my relationship delemas. I asked my niece how she knew her husband was the one? And again I got "I just knew." Well that just frustrated me and she knew it. She explained when she met him she was an out of work actress, with bleach blonde hair, who smoked and was a size zero! AND THAT WASN'T HER! Which I have to agree - that so wasn't her! Anyway, she explained when she is with him she's herself and a person she likes being. That hit home because I know I changed while being with my ex and I wasn't myself or a person I liked being. I was not fun anymore. I feel as though in the past year I have really gotten "me" back and I really like it.
Now that I'm back to me I need to make sure I'm with a guy that doesn't change it. We got talking about "Toby" and the 36 year old that recently walked back into my life. It feels so comfortable and natural with "Toby." We laugh, always enjoy each others company, like listening to music and being outdoors. He treats me so sweetly and I truly respect him. So why does getting into a relationship with him scare me? I told my sister and niece I think I'm missing the "love gene!"
I had a "Coming to Jesus" the other night while out with my two cousins who are both in their 60's, male and have never been married. There we were, eating roast beef sandwiches, drinking beer and talking about our jobs. WTF!!! It was right then and there that I realized I was the FEMALE version of THEM!!! YIKES!! Needless to say it was a wake up call. I sure as hell don't want to end up being like them and I'm only 20+ years away from being just like them!!! It gave me a cold, hard, slap in the face when I realized maybe I don't have the love gene like they don't. I decided to ask them why they never got married? They both said they never felt they found "the one." It made me seriously wonder if they were missing a gene that made them realize who that special someone is! The only thing I have going for me is I didn't live with my mother and father all my life! The one did and the other ended up living with and taking care of his mother until she died. Holy Cow I vow right here and now I WILL NOT END UP BEING LIKE THEM! ALONE!!! Well this made my sister and niece laugh. They said I wasn't like them. It made me feel a little better but not enough.
The talks continued about babies and relationships well into the night. If I were to have a baby I would want to be in a relationship that's a definate. Now how about a relationship. One niece doesn't think any of the guys I'm dating are the one for me. The other asked well what do you like about each? My answers were not good enough for her and she said keep looking but out of all of them "Toby" sounds the best. She said give him a chance and get to know him because he could be the one but I could be so blinded by what has happened to me it might take a bit to see it. My friend said I "sing" when I talk about "Toby" and she hasn't heard me like this. I guess only time will tell.
So as I'm typing this, the phone rings and it's a blocked number. I think nothing of it and I answer it because I'm waiting for my next "match" to call. I normally don't answer blocked calls but since the quest continues I picked it up and my ex was on the other line! Just what I needed today. I really felt as though I was being punked. He pretended he called a different number so I tried to just say you have the wrong number but he goes "Ann?! Oh I'm so sorry I was trying to call someone else." Yeah sure you were asshole. Anyway I told him I had to go and he said "I miss you as a friend, can't we just get together for lunch and talk." I simply said "no" and hung up because my niece was calling on the other line. Now I think I just realized why I'm so blind to finding love, it's not because I lack the "love gene" or I haven't found it yet. I just think that, I'm blind because I've been beat down by those I thought loved me. But I'm taking off these blinders and not going to let the past blind me to love any more. Look out because I'm seeing more clearly than ever and that's not bull shit!
My niece who is prego with her first child talked to me about the pros and cons of having a baby at my age. She's a special education teacher and told me being pregnant isn't what it's all cracked up to be. That made me laugh. Anyway we talked about the risks of giving birth in your 40's for both mom and baby, as well as the change in lifestyle, especially if I were to do this alone. Not to mention the financial means to take care of a child the way they need to be taken care of. It's a lot to take on by yourself . I know a lot of women do it but they usually have a good support system. Who would I be able to lean on if I needed a babysitter? Yes I know all my fellow TT Riders would pitch in, not to mention Monica but both my brother and sister had the luxury of having my parents around to pitch in when needed. Let's face it, my job is demanding and I have to work some late nights. It's hard enough finding "daycare" or a "babysitter" for my dog! I've decided not to have a baby by myself at this time. I'm not saying I'm not going to have a baby at all but I'm going to put the artificial insemination plan on hold.
So that got us talking about my relationship delemas. I asked my niece how she knew her husband was the one? And again I got "I just knew." Well that just frustrated me and she knew it. She explained when she met him she was an out of work actress, with bleach blonde hair, who smoked and was a size zero! AND THAT WASN'T HER! Which I have to agree - that so wasn't her! Anyway, she explained when she is with him she's herself and a person she likes being. That hit home because I know I changed while being with my ex and I wasn't myself or a person I liked being. I was not fun anymore. I feel as though in the past year I have really gotten "me" back and I really like it.
Now that I'm back to me I need to make sure I'm with a guy that doesn't change it. We got talking about "Toby" and the 36 year old that recently walked back into my life. It feels so comfortable and natural with "Toby." We laugh, always enjoy each others company, like listening to music and being outdoors. He treats me so sweetly and I truly respect him. So why does getting into a relationship with him scare me? I told my sister and niece I think I'm missing the "love gene!"
I had a "Coming to Jesus" the other night while out with my two cousins who are both in their 60's, male and have never been married. There we were, eating roast beef sandwiches, drinking beer and talking about our jobs. WTF!!! It was right then and there that I realized I was the FEMALE version of THEM!!! YIKES!! Needless to say it was a wake up call. I sure as hell don't want to end up being like them and I'm only 20+ years away from being just like them!!! It gave me a cold, hard, slap in the face when I realized maybe I don't have the love gene like they don't. I decided to ask them why they never got married? They both said they never felt they found "the one." It made me seriously wonder if they were missing a gene that made them realize who that special someone is! The only thing I have going for me is I didn't live with my mother and father all my life! The one did and the other ended up living with and taking care of his mother until she died. Holy Cow I vow right here and now I WILL NOT END UP BEING LIKE THEM! ALONE!!! Well this made my sister and niece laugh. They said I wasn't like them. It made me feel a little better but not enough.
The talks continued about babies and relationships well into the night. If I were to have a baby I would want to be in a relationship that's a definate. Now how about a relationship. One niece doesn't think any of the guys I'm dating are the one for me. The other asked well what do you like about each? My answers were not good enough for her and she said keep looking but out of all of them "Toby" sounds the best. She said give him a chance and get to know him because he could be the one but I could be so blinded by what has happened to me it might take a bit to see it. My friend said I "sing" when I talk about "Toby" and she hasn't heard me like this. I guess only time will tell.
So as I'm typing this, the phone rings and it's a blocked number. I think nothing of it and I answer it because I'm waiting for my next "match" to call. I normally don't answer blocked calls but since the quest continues I picked it up and my ex was on the other line! Just what I needed today. I really felt as though I was being punked. He pretended he called a different number so I tried to just say you have the wrong number but he goes "Ann?! Oh I'm so sorry I was trying to call someone else." Yeah sure you were asshole. Anyway I told him I had to go and he said "I miss you as a friend, can't we just get together for lunch and talk." I simply said "no" and hung up because my niece was calling on the other line. Now I think I just realized why I'm so blind to finding love, it's not because I lack the "love gene" or I haven't found it yet. I just think that, I'm blind because I've been beat down by those I thought loved me. But I'm taking off these blinders and not going to let the past blind me to love any more. Look out because I'm seeing more clearly than ever and that's not bull shit!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Building Boundaries
Lots has happened since the Super Bowl party! Where to begin? The beginning right! Well, I had to have a talk with "Toby" about boundaries. My friend told me she went through the same thing when she met her husband because they are similar. She explained you need to build some boundaries you BOTH abide by. Since I'm a very independent woman I somethines need my space, hell who doesn't! He asked me not to see other people and I told him we need to take this slow. I also said I think it's a good idea to see other people, that way we can determine if we should be in a "relationship." We talked and built our boundaries. See ladies, my problem is I jump in with both feet running and end up "taking care" of the guy when in reality I need a guy that can step up and take care of ME when need be. I'm not saying all the time but a 50-50 relationship is what I am seeking. By dating other people we'll know if we want to be in a "relationship" with each other. Think about it, I go out with a guy and YOU know, now that I see how "Toby" treats me I'm going to "compare" this guy to him! It could really work out to "Toby's" advantage since I seem to be a mega magnet for moronic men!!
Once I explained the method to my madness to him, he agreed to take things slow, and see other people. Well we really haven't because we haven't had too much time since work has been so busy for me lately - I just need this month to end!
This past Sunday Monica and I took "Toby" and his niece to the barn. "Toby" treated us all to breakfast and we all had a fabulous time playing with the "ponies" at the barn. His niece is hooked and wants to come out to the barn with Monica and me every weekend! "Toby" was amazed at how I taught his niece the basics of riding, being patient with every question the 8 year old had for me about riding and horses in general. She's an awesome kid so it was easy to apease her. After spending 5 hours together I needed to go because I had to attend a retirement party for a dear friend. I really didn't want to but needed to stay the couse and not spend too much time with him. He called me later that night to thank me for all I had done for his niece because she couldn't stop talking about riding my horse and Monica's horse! It was a dream come true for her. I will tell you I will take that kid out to the barn whenever she wants! She's an awesome kid and is eager to learn.
Anyway, the Thursday before Valentine's Day "Toby" called me and asked if I would be his Valentine by going to dinner with him. I graciously accepted. When V-Day arrived he sent me a dozen red roses with a teddy bear to my work with a sweet, simple card that said, "I hope this is the start to something special." Well it made my heart skip a beat. No guy has ever sent me flowers to my work before! He had the whole hospital buzzing! I'm not going to lie, the attention was nice for a change, since all the attention I've been getting at work is doctors yelling!
When he picked me up for dinner, he looked fantastic in his dark blue jeans, white dress shirt and sport coat. I nice tall, cool drink of water if I do say so myself! lol We had a fantastic time talking and laughing about our daily lives and dating dilemmas. At the end of the night, he walked me to my door and gave me a nice first deep kiss. Yes this was the first deep kiss since we started seeing each other. Well that just knocked my socks off and it took all my might to not say "ok let's start this relationship thing you speak so highly of" but I didn't. I refrained because I can't jump in the deep end of the pool like I have so many times before.
I will say "Toby" puts a smile on my face and always treats me like a lady. I never have to open my own door, he's not afraid of public displays of affection like so many men are, and he says sweet things like "Ann, you are such and awesome caring person and I'm so glad I have met you." He never expects me to change my plans with my friends or family to see him, like some previous people I have dated did. These are all things I have NEVER had in any of my so called "relationships." It's all new territory for me and it's throwing me off my game. It's heart pounding excitement but I don't want to get burned again. So slow it is, for now and that's not bull shit!
Now I know it's still early on, we have only been seeing each other for a few weeks, but that's why I have this blog. To keep reminding me to take it down a notch, slow it down a bit and see what path I'm going to take on this journey I call my life.
Once I explained the method to my madness to him, he agreed to take things slow, and see other people. Well we really haven't because we haven't had too much time since work has been so busy for me lately - I just need this month to end!
This past Sunday Monica and I took "Toby" and his niece to the barn. "Toby" treated us all to breakfast and we all had a fabulous time playing with the "ponies" at the barn. His niece is hooked and wants to come out to the barn with Monica and me every weekend! "Toby" was amazed at how I taught his niece the basics of riding, being patient with every question the 8 year old had for me about riding and horses in general. She's an awesome kid so it was easy to apease her. After spending 5 hours together I needed to go because I had to attend a retirement party for a dear friend. I really didn't want to but needed to stay the couse and not spend too much time with him. He called me later that night to thank me for all I had done for his niece because she couldn't stop talking about riding my horse and Monica's horse! It was a dream come true for her. I will tell you I will take that kid out to the barn whenever she wants! She's an awesome kid and is eager to learn.
Anyway, the Thursday before Valentine's Day "Toby" called me and asked if I would be his Valentine by going to dinner with him. I graciously accepted. When V-Day arrived he sent me a dozen red roses with a teddy bear to my work with a sweet, simple card that said, "I hope this is the start to something special." Well it made my heart skip a beat. No guy has ever sent me flowers to my work before! He had the whole hospital buzzing! I'm not going to lie, the attention was nice for a change, since all the attention I've been getting at work is doctors yelling!
When he picked me up for dinner, he looked fantastic in his dark blue jeans, white dress shirt and sport coat. I nice tall, cool drink of water if I do say so myself! lol We had a fantastic time talking and laughing about our daily lives and dating dilemmas. At the end of the night, he walked me to my door and gave me a nice first deep kiss. Yes this was the first deep kiss since we started seeing each other. Well that just knocked my socks off and it took all my might to not say "ok let's start this relationship thing you speak so highly of" but I didn't. I refrained because I can't jump in the deep end of the pool like I have so many times before.
I will say "Toby" puts a smile on my face and always treats me like a lady. I never have to open my own door, he's not afraid of public displays of affection like so many men are, and he says sweet things like "Ann, you are such and awesome caring person and I'm so glad I have met you." He never expects me to change my plans with my friends or family to see him, like some previous people I have dated did. These are all things I have NEVER had in any of my so called "relationships." It's all new territory for me and it's throwing me off my game. It's heart pounding excitement but I don't want to get burned again. So slow it is, for now and that's not bull shit!
Now I know it's still early on, we have only been seeing each other for a few weeks, but that's why I have this blog. To keep reminding me to take it down a notch, slow it down a bit and see what path I'm going to take on this journey I call my life.
Monday, February 7, 2011
The Great Wall
So the Super Bowl was full of blunders and busts - from the National Anthem to the not so exciting commercials, which are always my favorite to watch and talk about in my class. But I had a fabulous time. "Toby" invited Monica and me over to watch the game with about 20 of his relatives - intimidating right? WRONG! We were welcomed in with warm hugs from the minute we got there to the time we left. They are a fun family to be around and it drew me closer to him. It was so odd how things just fell in place - if my wine glass was empty he would fill it - if his was empty I would fill his. Most of the time we were in different rooms talking to different people - periodically he would come to see how I was - rub my shoulders - give me a little kiss - it felt natural and right. WHO KNEW!!??
I was with my ex for six years and never felt that comfortable around his family nor did he ever treat me like that infront of anyone....actually treat me like I mattered. "Toby" made me feel like I mattered and it was extremely nice. I'm still taking it slow because let's face it ladies I have the Great Wall of China up around me after what I've been through, even though now I feel like I may have found a man willing to climb and conquer that wall.
I was with my ex for six years and never felt that comfortable around his family nor did he ever treat me like that infront of anyone....actually treat me like I mattered. "Toby" made me feel like I mattered and it was extremely nice. I'm still taking it slow because let's face it ladies I have the Great Wall of China up around me after what I've been through, even though now I feel like I may have found a man willing to climb and conquer that wall.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Feast or Fathom
What is it ladies!? When it comes to men it's either Feast or Fathom! This has been a trying week for me trying to figure out what exactly I want when it comes to a relationship. I feel as though I'm being seriously tested. I really like "Toby" but have been feeling a little overwhelmed with the dating thing. I'm not used to a man caring about me, my day or how I'm feeling. He's attentive, sweet, respective and compassionate - so why do I feel like I'm being bomarded by text messages and him wanting to see me all the time? As women isn't that what we want!? Or is it because I've never really had a true non-disfunctional relationship before? These are all questions I was asking by friend over lunch on Friday when low and behold the 36 year old I really liked this fall walked into the restaurant! I thought I was having an anxiety attack talking about my current situation when this action of him walking in just elevated it!
When he walked in he scanned the room and zeroed in on me. He walked over - acted surprised and chatted for a moment. My friend went to the bathroom and he called me over to his table. I told him I didn't want this to be weird (since my friend I was having lunch with and he work for the same employer - that's how we met). Anyway, he told me it could never be weird between us and then he gave me a big hug. He appologized for just walking away from me without a good explaination but had one. He said his ex-girlfriend (who I knew was stalking him) was making it too risky for me and that's why he ceased all communication with me. Since walking away he has thrown himself into work, been traveling all over the world and is exhausted. He asked for us to sit with him "because he hates to eat alone" (we said it at the same time). All three of us sat and chatted for a while then my friend needed to get back to work. He and I stayed to chat a bit more about what has been going on before I gave him a ride back to work. We sat in my car and chatted a bit more and he asked if he could take me out to dinner to chat some more. I said, "Sure only if you still have my number because I deleted you out of my contacts." He was shocked! Pulled out his phone and texted me right there on the spot. I laughed and he gave me a big hug and said he would be in touch. WELL this stirred up a TON of feelings! He was the one that bothered me the most because of how it ended. Without an explaination! When we met it was instant chemistry.
Needless to say ALL THIS threw me for a loop and I called my friend to fill her in. I was completely freaking out - what to do? Being a female, we always have a tendency to think too much and follow our heart! THAT'S BAD! Follow your gut! My head was dreaming up all the "what if" senarios and my heart was pounding with excitement. That is BAD - it's all what we wish would happen. Well now that it's a day later I'm glad I have some closure with him and understand why he did what he did. Now that I've had time to process it, settle down and stop thinking of the "what ifs" I truly don't think I'll hear from him again. He's a really nice, cute guy with a lot of bagage and those are the ones I DO NOT NEED! I have come to realize this after tonight's third date with"Toby."
There is something to be said for a man who has his daughter living with him and he took her for her first manicure and pedicure - not the mom. He even got one too!!! I almost fell over laughing at that! How cute- a 6ft. 4in dad taking his teenaged daughter for her first mani & pedi and getting one himself just to spend time with her. That shows you what kind of a man he is. I realized tonight I need to change MY way of thinking when it comes to men. I seem to go for the "bad boy," needy or law enforcement type and they just seem to shit all over you! I was having some anxiety that things were going too fast with "Toby" but now am not so sure. My friend who I was having lunch with was explaining that I need to "battle it out" with him a bit to establish some boundaries because we are BOTH strong people. She said, "Think about it, isn't it nice to have someone treat you like you always treat everyone else?" She's right and I'm going to see where this all goes. We talked tonight and are going to take it slow but in the end he still was making long term plans to take me places. It just made me smile. Who knows where this will go, only time will tell and that's not bull shit!
When he walked in he scanned the room and zeroed in on me. He walked over - acted surprised and chatted for a moment. My friend went to the bathroom and he called me over to his table. I told him I didn't want this to be weird (since my friend I was having lunch with and he work for the same employer - that's how we met). Anyway, he told me it could never be weird between us and then he gave me a big hug. He appologized for just walking away from me without a good explaination but had one. He said his ex-girlfriend (who I knew was stalking him) was making it too risky for me and that's why he ceased all communication with me. Since walking away he has thrown himself into work, been traveling all over the world and is exhausted. He asked for us to sit with him "because he hates to eat alone" (we said it at the same time). All three of us sat and chatted for a while then my friend needed to get back to work. He and I stayed to chat a bit more about what has been going on before I gave him a ride back to work. We sat in my car and chatted a bit more and he asked if he could take me out to dinner to chat some more. I said, "Sure only if you still have my number because I deleted you out of my contacts." He was shocked! Pulled out his phone and texted me right there on the spot. I laughed and he gave me a big hug and said he would be in touch. WELL this stirred up a TON of feelings! He was the one that bothered me the most because of how it ended. Without an explaination! When we met it was instant chemistry.
Needless to say ALL THIS threw me for a loop and I called my friend to fill her in. I was completely freaking out - what to do? Being a female, we always have a tendency to think too much and follow our heart! THAT'S BAD! Follow your gut! My head was dreaming up all the "what if" senarios and my heart was pounding with excitement. That is BAD - it's all what we wish would happen. Well now that it's a day later I'm glad I have some closure with him and understand why he did what he did. Now that I've had time to process it, settle down and stop thinking of the "what ifs" I truly don't think I'll hear from him again. He's a really nice, cute guy with a lot of bagage and those are the ones I DO NOT NEED! I have come to realize this after tonight's third date with"Toby."
There is something to be said for a man who has his daughter living with him and he took her for her first manicure and pedicure - not the mom. He even got one too!!! I almost fell over laughing at that! How cute- a 6ft. 4in dad taking his teenaged daughter for her first mani & pedi and getting one himself just to spend time with her. That shows you what kind of a man he is. I realized tonight I need to change MY way of thinking when it comes to men. I seem to go for the "bad boy," needy or law enforcement type and they just seem to shit all over you! I was having some anxiety that things were going too fast with "Toby" but now am not so sure. My friend who I was having lunch with was explaining that I need to "battle it out" with him a bit to establish some boundaries because we are BOTH strong people. She said, "Think about it, isn't it nice to have someone treat you like you always treat everyone else?" She's right and I'm going to see where this all goes. We talked tonight and are going to take it slow but in the end he still was making long term plans to take me places. It just made me smile. Who knows where this will go, only time will tell and that's not bull shit!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A Selfish Society
This past weekend was quite eventful! I was so busy I hadn't had a chance to blog about it!!! On Friday I had date two with"Toby," then a black tie event for work Saturday, my sister came into town so we went out bar hopping after my event Saturday, Sunday we recovered and went shopping, Monday I had to take my sister with me to work because she had a few tests she needed done, and then my sister left for home on Tuesday. WOW lots packed into a few short days! My sister, niece and I had an awesome time. Lots of laughs and "girl" time.
We watched the movie "The Lost Valentine" with Betty White and it got us talking. How did society get so selfish when it comes to love? That movie talked about a time when couples fell in love and stayed together through thick and thin. Now it seems it's too easy to give up on "love" and move on to the next potential "love." Why is that?! We think it's because people don't live their lives for other people anymore, now they are selfish and live for themselves. Society has made it to easy for people to give up, throw in the towel and get divorced. After watching that movie, back in the days of War people felt they didn't have time to waste and got married. They wanted to do nice things for their loved ones. Why have we lost that? Wars still happen but it seems military wives have evolved and now have a habit of cheating or leaving their men while they are firghting for our country's freedom instead of sticking by their sides. (I know a number of women who have done this and I'm not saying all military wives are like this but there are a number of them that do and it's disappointing!)
Anyway, the movie made us all long for a love that was our equal. One who wants to take care of us instead of us taking care of them like so many men want these days. What is it with men wanting a "Mommy" to take care of them anyway!? I seem to find all the strays and so does my sister. "Toby" said something to me last night that made me think. We were talking about where we might be headed and I told him we needed to take it slow, he agreed but said he could see himself carrying me through life to the finish line. Scary since this all just started but makes you stop and think about what kind of guy he is.
I really like him but I have a habit of jumping in too quick at a dead run and I just can't do that again. I feel like I just got "me" back after getting out of my last relationship and I don't want to lose me again. I like me! And I don't want that to sound selfish but I think you really need to love yourself before you can find the love of your life and that's not bull shit or selfish.
We watched the movie "The Lost Valentine" with Betty White and it got us talking. How did society get so selfish when it comes to love? That movie talked about a time when couples fell in love and stayed together through thick and thin. Now it seems it's too easy to give up on "love" and move on to the next potential "love." Why is that?! We think it's because people don't live their lives for other people anymore, now they are selfish and live for themselves. Society has made it to easy for people to give up, throw in the towel and get divorced. After watching that movie, back in the days of War people felt they didn't have time to waste and got married. They wanted to do nice things for their loved ones. Why have we lost that? Wars still happen but it seems military wives have evolved and now have a habit of cheating or leaving their men while they are firghting for our country's freedom instead of sticking by their sides. (I know a number of women who have done this and I'm not saying all military wives are like this but there are a number of them that do and it's disappointing!)
Anyway, the movie made us all long for a love that was our equal. One who wants to take care of us instead of us taking care of them like so many men want these days. What is it with men wanting a "Mommy" to take care of them anyway!? I seem to find all the strays and so does my sister. "Toby" said something to me last night that made me think. We were talking about where we might be headed and I told him we needed to take it slow, he agreed but said he could see himself carrying me through life to the finish line. Scary since this all just started but makes you stop and think about what kind of guy he is.
I really like him but I have a habit of jumping in too quick at a dead run and I just can't do that again. I feel like I just got "me" back after getting out of my last relationship and I don't want to lose me again. I like me! And I don't want that to sound selfish but I think you really need to love yourself before you can find the love of your life and that's not bull shit or selfish.
Taking it Slow
Ok so date number two with "Toby Keith" was fun but interesting. We went out for dinner at a Japanese restuarant for hibachi. We sat with an "interesting" family - why wouldn't we!!! The parents were demanding the $6 meal!!! We aren't at Wegman's!!! The average price for dinner is $18! Their son is in his late 30's and mentally handicapped, not that he could help it but he was drooling all over the place. "Toby" kept saying that he was so sorry for all this and I said hey at least we are having dinner and a show!! Then all of a sudden the mother sitting next to him laid out a huge fart!!! We almost died!!! We were laughing so hard!! I do a good imitation of how the dinner went. "Toby" kept appologizing and I said what are you going to do. I then took him to Dessert Deli where we laughed and rehashed our nutty dinner. He told me he needed to redeem himself and we went to the movies. It was so cute he held my hand through the entire movie. Things are progressing so we'll see how it goes. I'm taking it slow.
Date three is Saturday. He is taking me to the Harlem Globtrotters! I haven't seen them since I as a kid so this should be fun! Stay tuned.
Date three is Saturday. He is taking me to the Harlem Globtrotters! I haven't seen them since I as a kid so this should be fun! Stay tuned.
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