The "Love Gene"

This weekend I hosted a baby shower for my niece who is also my Godchild. I thought I would take this opportunity to talk to my fellow women about relationships, marraige and having a baby. Since I don't exactly know where I stand on any of it these days. We dubbed this weekend "EstroFest" and it was full of women type fun.

My niece who is prego with her first child talked to me about the pros and cons of having a baby at my age. She's a special education teacher and told me being pregnant isn't what it's all cracked up to be. That made me laugh. Anyway we talked about the risks of giving birth in your 40's for both mom and baby, as well as the change in lifestyle, especially if I were to do this alone. Not to mention the financial means to take care of a child the way they need to be taken care of. It's a lot to take on by yourself . I know a lot of women do it but they usually have a good support system. Who would I be able to lean on if I needed a babysitter? Yes I know all my fellow TT Riders would pitch in, not to mention Monica but both my brother and sister had the luxury of having my parents around to pitch in when needed. Let's face it, my job is demanding and I have to work some late nights. It's hard enough finding "daycare" or a "babysitter" for my dog! I've decided not to have a baby by myself at this time. I'm not saying I'm not going to have a baby at all but I'm going to put the artificial insemination plan on hold.

So that got us talking about my relationship delemas. I asked my niece how she knew her husband was the one? And again I got "I just knew." Well that just frustrated me and she knew it. She explained when she met him she was an out of work actress, with bleach blonde hair, who smoked and was a size zero! AND THAT WASN'T HER! Which I have to agree - that so wasn't her! Anyway, she explained when she is with him she's herself and a person she likes being. That hit home because I know I changed while being with my ex and I wasn't myself or a person I liked being. I was not fun anymore. I feel as though in the past year I have really gotten "me" back and I really like it.

Now that I'm back to me I need to make sure I'm with a guy that doesn't change it. We got talking about "Toby" and the 36 year old that recently walked back into my life. It feels so comfortable and natural with "Toby." We laugh, always enjoy each others company, like listening to music and being outdoors. He treats me so sweetly and I truly respect him. So why does getting into a relationship with him scare me? I told my sister and niece I think I'm missing the "love gene!"

I had a "Coming to Jesus" the other night while out with my two cousins who are both in their 60's, male and have never been married. There we were, eating roast beef sandwiches, drinking beer and talking about our jobs. WTF!!! It was right then and there that I realized I was the FEMALE version of THEM!!! YIKES!! Needless to say it was a wake up call. I sure as hell don't want to end up being like them and I'm only 20+ years away from being just like them!!! It gave me a cold, hard, slap in the face when I realized maybe I don't have the love gene like they don't. I decided to ask them why they never got married? They both said they never felt they found "the one." It made me seriously wonder if they were missing a gene that made them realize who that special someone is! The only thing I have going for me is I didn't live with my mother and father all my life! The one did and the other ended up living with and taking care of his mother until she died. Holy Cow I vow right here and now I WILL NOT END UP BEING LIKE THEM! ALONE!!! Well this made my sister and niece laugh. They said I wasn't like them. It made me feel a little better but not enough.

The talks continued about babies and relationships well into the night. If I were to have a baby I would want to be in a relationship that's a definate. Now how about a relationship. One niece doesn't think any of the guys I'm dating are the one for me. The other asked well what do you like about each? My answers were not good enough for her and she said keep looking but out of all of them "Toby" sounds the best. She said give him a chance and get to know him because he could be the one but I could be so blinded by what has happened to me it might take a bit to see it. My friend said I "sing" when I talk about "Toby" and she hasn't heard me like this. I guess only time will tell.

So as I'm typing this, the phone rings and it's a blocked number. I think nothing of it and I answer it because I'm waiting for my next "match" to call. I normally don't answer blocked calls but since the quest continues I picked it up and my ex was on the other line! Just what I needed today. I really felt as though I was being punked. He pretended he called a different number so I tried to just say you have the wrong number but he goes "Ann?! Oh I'm so sorry I was trying to call someone else." Yeah sure you were asshole. Anyway I told him I had to go and he said "I miss you as a friend, can't we just get together for lunch and talk." I simply said "no" and hung up because my niece was calling on the other line. Now I think I just realized why I'm so blind to finding love, it's not because I lack the "love gene" or I haven't found it yet. I just think that, I'm blind because I've been beat down by those I thought loved me. But I'm taking off these blinders and not going to let the past blind me to love any more. Look out because I'm seeing more clearly than ever and that's not bull shit!